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Evangeline's 2nd Heavenly Birthday

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Today Evangeline- my first born baby- the tiny little fighter who lived only a day, would have been 2 years old. I found myself wondering last night what she would look like in heaven. In heaven where there is no sickness, where her heart is whole, her body is healed. I wonder would she be a 2 year old in heaven too? Does she look like her little sister? Evangeline had fairer features than Eliana when she was born but similar eyes and nose, she also had a lot of hair for being born at only 34 weeks gestation. I imagine her to have blonde or very light brown hair like me and blue or hazel eyes.  When we lost Evangeline in January 2024, I used this blog to process the intense heartache of missing Evangeline and also as a way to keep her memory alive. My need to blog as well as time to blog has definitely decreased. I went from blogging monthly to now only once or twice a year. I have decided I will write a blog each year on Evangeline's birthday and capture how grief changes with tim...
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From Ashes to Beauty- Eliana's redemptive birth story.

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Eliana was not in a hurry to leave the cozy womb, her due date came and went and another 12 days past before she decided to come. I literally tried every old wives tale to try and evict her. I ate all the dates, drank all the teas, walked the curbs, did birthing ball exercises, the miles circuit etc, if it's a thing I probably tried it 😂. In in the end it was either the threat of induction, acupuncture or the stretch and sweep that did it! I had decided right from the start of my pregnancy that I was going to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after a C-section) despite there only being a 17 month gap between Evangeline's birthday and my due date (the recommendation was to wait 18 months - 2 years). To our surprise I fell pregnant on the first month of trying!. At 14 weeks pregnant, I went to an Obstetrician appointment at Tauranga Hospital. This was the first time going back to the hospital since Evangeline's birth and death. As soon as I entered the hospital all the memories ...
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The Joys and struggles of pregnancy after loss.

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My first experience of pregnancy and my journey to motherhood was far from typical, but given it was my first experience, means I had nothing to compare it to until now. I had a taste of "normal" last pregnancy during the first 20 weeks. I had monthly midwife appointments, where I heard baby's heartbeat - which was surprisingly always normal. I experienced first trimester tiredness and puking and had no extra scans or appointments. This only added to the shock and disappointment of receiving a diagnosis at 21 weeks. Suddenly, we found ourselves thrown into a world that no parents-to-be, want to find themselves in. My pregnancy became high risk. We had frequent   hospital appointments, received a diagnosis and had to fly back and forward to Wellington for specialist appointments. These appointments involved sitting in a waiting room alongside other high-risk mums, hour long scans, and doctors bracing themselves to deliver more bad news and recommendations. The first recomm...
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A season of hope

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2024 is a year where our lives forever changed. A year where Ryan and I became parents but also experienced the heartache of losing a child. This year felt both long but quick, like it was over in a blink of an eye. As Evangeline’s 1 st heavenly birthday and 1 year death anniversary approach, I find myself reflecting on the year that was and am grateful that in amongst all the heartache there are still plenty of reasons to smile.    The months that followed Evangeline’s death felt like life stood still while the world around me carried on. Grief at first is all encompassing, nothing else exists and nothing else matters. I cannot explain what it is like to have your body go through post-partum changes and to heal physically without a baby to make sense of things. Life demands to be lived, and while we don’t move on and forget after a loss, we do move forward. As the months rolled by, we began to find our new normal. The end of April rolled round, and it was time for me to re...
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From Winter to Spring- Literally and Metaphorically

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If you're like me, and don't like Winter then you will know what I mean by that "Spring feeling". That little bit of joy and peace that bubbles up knowing that warmer days and lighter days are coming. This year has felt like one long Winter. For about 6-7 months it felt like I was under a thick grey cloud of grief. Then slowly something shifted and a little bit of joy, warmth and color crept back into my world. After a season of lament, of wrestling with God crying almost daily, crawling through the day especiallly that first month back at work. When I couldn't hide away at home, but instead had to put aside all that I was feeling to be present with the students that I teach. When your drowning in grief, it can feel like it will never get easier. People looking in may not know the inner struggle and the depth of heartache so it feels lonely too.  I spent the last school holidays listening to podcasts by "Hope Mommies" a Christian group of mums who have a...
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