Wrestling with God

   

We often hear the argument  “how can I believe in a God that allows so much suffering in this world.” Then they may go on to list all the heinous crimes that sinful human nature commits. I have heard and even shared many arguments that attempt to answer this valid question, such as; A loving God gives freewill. The devil is the cause of all suffering. This was not God's original plan or intent, he gave his own son to pay for all these heinous crimes, he will redeem this world and there will be a day with no more suffering. Or simply that suffering is a consequence of sin. Losing Evangeline made all these questions about why God allows suffering become our reality and the shallow answers I'd happily parrot off to others no longer sufficed. 

When I was 18, I fully committed my life to God and since then I had not really waivered in my faith. I am entirely convinced that there is a God and I have always had a lot of faith that He hears my prayers. I made a commitment to follow God no matter what, through valleys and mountain peaks through joy and sorrow. I professed this with my mouth and believed it in my heart. However, like Peter in the bible who denied Christ 3x after fervently saying he never would, I have been in a season of questioning God and doubting his goodness and his faithfulness. Don’t get me wrong I have not “lost” my faith but I have certainly wrestled with God. Sometimes that wrestling has looked like taking everything before Him, weeping at His feet or raging, angry prayers, bargaining and begging for a different outcome, or praying "not my will but yours". Other times it has been distancing my heart from God, not praying, leaving my bible to gather dust, and withdrawing from people.

I understand that there are consequences for our actions. If you drink and drive, a consequence may be that you crash and take the life of someone else. The victim's family suffers because of the actions of someone else. It is incredibly unfair and unjust, but there is a reason why this suffering happened- a cause and effect. What about when something heartbreaking happens when you follow the “rules”. Our baby was prayed for, longed for, loved and wanted but yet our baby died in our arms. There are healthy babies born daily who are abandoned, neglected or abused and God allows them to be born into these circumstances. Our intentions for our baby were to give her a home where she would have been loved, safe and cared for and she never even got a chance to leave the hospital. How do you reconcile these things with a good God? Evangeline's death was not a direct consequence of sin but rather the result of living in a broken fallen world where sickness and pain is. The question we wrestle with is “Why us?”. “Why Evangeline?” “Did God allow this?” “Why didn’t he stop it?” “Why when so many healthy babies are born every day, why wasn't that our story?” Why do some women suffer loss after loss or infertility while others get pregnant by accident or are able to have several children without complications? Honestly I don't know why, but I do know that God's thoughts and ways are so vastly beyond my own and I will most likely never know "why"

Ryan and I have also wrestled with the question of why should we pray and ask God for things? I understand praying to thank God, praying to praise God and praying to ask God for guidance. If God is all knowing and already knows the exact outcome of every situation, then why pray and ask God for things when ultimately whatever he "wills" will happen? No amount of prayer changed the outcome of Evangeline's story. I had multiple prayer groups and everyone I know praying for Evangeline but no amount of prayer or faith or declaration changed the outcome. Others pray and see healing or see their children outlive the expectations of the doctors. I was told many well meaning stories about doctors getting it wrong and babies being born healthy, which honestly just made the whole situation harder. Does God hear some prayers and not others? Or was that just always God's plan for those babies to live and ours to die? Should we bring our fears and requests before God when ultimately we can’t know for sure how things will turn out? I believe even though I am not in control and I don't know what our future holds, I should still take my fears, my hopes, my dreams to God. I can wrestle with God and sit in the tension of unanswered prayers, unanswered questions and broken dreams. I can still declare that God is good and faithful while simultaneously bringing my questions of why this happened before him. Not only can I, but I’m learning that God actually wants me to. He cares that much. It is better to wrestle with God, then to wrestle alone. I'm also realizing that perhaps my view of prayer needs to change. Prayer is not a transactional thing where I ask God for something and then he has to give it to me but rather its about relationship and connection with God.

Church has probably been the hardest place to be in during this season. It's often a joyful, faith filled and praise filled place. Honestly in those first few months after losing Evangeline, Ryan and I could not bring ourselves to sing songs about miracles and healing or about how “death is defeated” or lyrics like "death where is your sting?" or songs about coming out of graves. Cue “I thank God" by Maverick City worship. Of course these songs are talking about salvation or Jesus' resurrection and not literal dead rising, although some songs do make literal references to dead rising by referencing "Lazarus". My point is, it can feel incredibly lonely when you're sitting with a broken heart in the midst of what feels like a praise party. Grief is a surreal world, its like your whole world comes crashing down and your in this fog watching the rest of the world continue as normal around you. Some times in church its implied that if you just have enough faith (fill in the blank) will happen. I’m not saying church shouldn’t be like that but I'm just being honest about what that is like for a grieving heart. I created a worship playlist I have listened to a lot in this season. I called it “grief” and the lyrics all speak to me as they are more closely aligned with the Psalms which is David pouring out his heart in lament to God while still choosing to praise God.

Evangeline's death exposed and revealed what was in my heart. It's humbling to admit that I still have so much to learn about God, His character and His word. I had a lot of head knowledge from growing up in the church but it needs to become heart knowledge too. I know that nobody is exempt from pain and suffering but I'd say my response to suffering reveals that a part of me hoped I was exempt. Not from the day to day struggles but at least from the big heartbreaks like losing a baby. One day I was watching The Chosen, which is the best retelling of the Gospels I've ever seen. There are parts added in that are not in the bible but still point to biblical truths. There is a scene where Peter finds out his wife Eden has lost a baby. He is one of Jesus' disciples and he  knows Jesus can heal, he knows Jesus is the Messiah. Peter is understandably furious and hurt and full of questions. There is a scene where Peter's friend says to him “Just because you are a follower of Jesus doesn’t mean you are exempt from pain.” This spoke to me, not only do I identify with Peter's pain but I too needed to be reminded that I'm not exempt. I live a rich privileged life. I was born in a country like New Zealand, into a loving family. I have a loving husband but even with all my privilege I am still not exempt from pain.

The bible shows us Jesus understands grief more than anyone. Isaiah 53:3 says "he is familiar with suffering and acquainted with grief." He knew he was going to die a painful death and even asked his father to spare him. If anyone knows what deep sorrow feels like, it’s Jesus, so who better to take our pain to than someone who can fully empathize. Jesus took all the sin and pain of the world upon himself and in that moment he felt the full weight of suffering and sin. He also experienced being separated from God. Jesus can definitely carry my burdens and handle my questions.

The beauty of wrestling and allowing yourself to grieve is that slowly the burden, the grief and the pain gets lighter. I have felt my grief get a little lighter each month and I know that my tears, my wrestling has not been in vain. There probably won't ever be a day where Evangeline's death doesn’t hurt or bring up questions but it will get easier. I'm sure God looks at me sometimes and thinks, if only I saw the bigger picture, if only I knew how temporary these trials are, how short this lifetime is and how beautiful eternity will be, then I wouldn’t get so caught up in the here and now. I’m still in my wrestling place right now but I pray that I will rise out of the ashes and live the life that God destined for me to live, the life that Jesus gave through his death and suffering. A life of eternal value and with eyes fixed on Jesus the perfecter and finisher of my faith.

If you find yourself in a place of wrestling with God or your soul is in anguish,

I highly recommend this book: Just be Honest- how to worship through tears and pray without pretending.

By Clint Watkins