From Ashes to Beauty- Eliana's redemptive birth story.

Eliana was not in a hurry to leave the cozy womb, her due date came and went and another 12 days past before she decided to come. I literally tried every old wives tale to try and evict her. I ate all the dates, drank all the teas, walked the curbs, did birthing ball exercises, the miles circuit etc, if it's a thing I probably tried it 😂. In in the end it was either the threat of induction, acupuncture or the stretch and sweep that did it!

I had decided right from the start of my pregnancy that I was going to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after a C-section) despite there only being a 17 month gap between Evangeline's birthday and my due date (the recommendation was to wait 18 months - 2 years). To our surprise I fell pregnant on the first month of trying!. At 14 weeks pregnant, I went to an Obstetrician appointment at Tauranga Hospital. This was the first time going back to the hospital since Evangeline's birth and death. As soon as I entered the hospital all the memories came back and I cried in the hospital doorway as my friend Amy Larsen hugged me. My visit didn't improve as the obstetrician was keen to book me in for a C-section and used fear based language to push his agenda. He focused on the risk of uterine rupture and said it could be potentially catastrophic for me and my baby and did not once mention the statistics and likelihood of this happening.

Fortunately, my midwife Carmen was very supportive of my choice to have a VBAC and is also a VBAC mama herself. She even had a VBAC with twins! With her support and by listening to positive VBAC stories on a podcast, personal research and an online VBAC seminar via zoom, I realized that a VBAC is in fact very low risk and the risk of uterine rupture is 0.5% and a full rupture was even less likely. In fact the research showed there was actually greater risk to my future pregnancies if I was to have multiple cesarean sections. With that in mind I prepared for a VBAC. I knew my best chance of a successful VBAC was to avoid all medicated interventions as this would put extra pressure on my scar. I also worked through some of my own personal fears, and grief around pregnancy and birth by having coaching sessions with my friend and all things baby guru Naomi Ruth. She wears so many hats, as a former midwife, doula, mother, baby coach and also offers childbirth trauma support and coaching. So basically a godsend for a mum both pre and postnatally. She is still helping me now by answering all my "new mum" questions and has given me so many tips and tricks this past few weeks which has helped me so much with the adjustment to motherhood. I will forever be grateful for her support and recommend her services to any and every new mum.

When I went overdue, I decided I'd give my body until 42 weeks and then look at a gentle unmedicated induction (Cooks catheter) or go ahead with a planned C section. On Wednesday the 4th of June, I was recommended to have a growth scan. The scan estimated that I had a 10lb 8oz baby in my womb! I knew scans were often inaccurate and refused to believe I was carrying a baby that big! However with that information in mind, the hospital was keen to book an induction for the following day. After all my patient or not so patient waiting and personal efforts to get this baby to come, I felt defeated and found myself crying as I so wanted a redemptive birth and the chance to experience labor. After several hours of crying and feeling sorry for myself and some angry words at God, I put on some worship songs and prayed and lay down my desire to have a VBAC, as ultimately having our baby in our arms was all that truly mattered. I still didn't have peace about the induction but also wasn't keen to risk going past 42 weeks. I had a restless nights sleep, and at 4am in the still of the morning, I felt God say wait until Monday. Monday was going to be 42 weeks 1 day the 9th of June.

Ryan and I went to my hospital appointment on the 5th of June to talk about the induction. I expected to have to fight for what I wanted, but to my surprise a very kind obstetrician started the conversation by saying, "before I speak I'd like to hear what you want" and she assured me her job was to support me and my choices. I was so taken back by her honoring approach especially after my experience with the other obstetrician early on in my pregnancy, it took me a minute to say "I want to wait to do the induction on Monday to give my body a few more days." I knew my body was close to going into labor as I had several indicators. She instantly agreed, and then briefly covered the risk of waiting. She felt my stomach and agreed my baby wasn't over 10 pounds but did say probably at least 9 pounds, and then we made a plan for us to go back Sunday to start the induction as the Cooks Catheter needed to be in overnight.

My midwife Carmen said "while you are here, would you like to try a stretch and sweep?" (this is a natural induction method). I said I might as well... 10 minutes later I felt a gush of water as my waters broke! That day I rested as much as possible and waited for early labor to start, Ryan and I took a gentle walk. All night I woke hourly due to period-like pains, but I was still waiting for contractions to start, later I realised the cramping pressure I felt was in fact my early labor. At 4am I got more uncomfortable and hopped in the shower to get things moving along. At 5.30am I had a call from Carmen and remember saying I think early labor has definitely started but didnt yet have minute long contractions. She suggested we meet about 7am as it was getting close to 24 hours since my waters broke and there was a risk of infection. Within half an hour my contractions were getting very regular and a lot more painful. I started trying to do things like make a coffee and then I couldn't, so I yelled at Ryan that we had to go. I remember thinking this is painful if this is early labor how will I handle the next phase! The hospital is a 4 minute drive from our house and I had 2 contractions one on the way and one in the car park! Obviously I was in active labor at this point. We got to the hospital around 6.30am. We were quickly taken to our room, Room 6 with a birthing pool just as I had hoped. At the time I didn't realise, as I was very much in labor land but we were right next door to the room where Evangeline spent her whole life and where she also died... Room 7. My midwife was finishing up in a c-section as she wasn't expecting me quite as early.

My labor very much amped up and I did my very best to keep my mind positive. A few times I argued with myself saying "this is too painful, I can't do this and then I'd remember my birth affirmations and tell myself "I can do this I'll meet my baby soon." I made sure to do all the things I'd learnt from listening to birth stories, like laboring upright and lots of squatting! Who knew all those boot camp sessions would come in handy! I was determined to have an unmedicated birth but my TENS machine and acupuncture ball were no longer cutting it, so I asked for the gas. The gas became my lifeline and every contraction I yelled at Ryan to "give me the gas." I was not amused when I heard Carmen and Amy laugh at that but later realized, it was pretty funny. I knew based on my level of discomfort that I was most likely at transition stage at this time. Much to my surprise I started making low groaning noises 😂. I had been moving around the room from the bed, to the medicine ball, to the shower, to the toilet almost as if I was completing a Boot Camp circuit 😂. Unfortunately the hospital pipes had an issue so the water was brown and I couldn't use the birthing pool, but I found the shower to be a good alternative for me. My amazing husband followed me everywhere and allowed me to lean on him when I needed him but he also knew when to give me space, he even squatted with me so we both got a workout in.

Not long after these very painful contractions the urge to push came. I had been determined to only use natural pain relief but during the pushing phase the pain felt more than I could bear and gas was no longer safe as I needed to be focused and not lightheaded. I regretted only having natural pain relief then as I felt every painful contraction and intense pressure. The only thing that helped me persevere was knowing I was close to meeting our baby. I made every push count but then a very scary moment happened, blood started pouring out of me. I knew from watching lots of beautiful homebirths that it wasn't a normal amount of blood. Carmen remained calm but I did hear her say I'll just get another midwife in we always do at this point. On the next push all my adrenaline and fear kicked in as I was afraid the blood might be my baby's. The next push, I pushed Eliana's head and body out in one go with a deep low squat, this crowning phase is meant to be a much slower more gentle process. My midwife said "pick up your baby" I said "I can't" but still instinctually did. It wasn't the prettiest sight as she was covered in my blood. I heard her cry and felt such relief, followed by fear of wondering where is that blood coming from. Eliana was born at 9.37am, weighing 4.3kgs, just 3 hours after we arrived at the hospital.

My golden hour with my daughter involved about 4 people around me, asking permission to inject me to stop me from losing any more blood, about 10 attempts to put an IV line in, it turns out veins are hard to find when you are dehydrated! A nurse assessed me to see how badly I tore and told me I would need to go to surgery. I am pretty sure I got a few temporary stitches too. I was non stop sucking on the gas to go to my happy place and remember saying, now can I have morphine. At one point Carmen asked if it was okay if we birth your placenta to stop any more blood loss. I was so high on gas I said "just do whatever, I'm tired and I feel drunk 😂" Carmen said "I don't know if that counts as informed consent." This was definitely not how I imagined meeting my daughter but despite all that she was in my arms having skin to skin. We got 2 beautiful yet chaotic hours together while we waited for the surgeons to finish up C-sections, so I could have my surgery. I had sustained a 3rd degree tear and some internal tears hence the blood loss. I lost about 1.3L of blood, but did not need a blood transfusion. I was wheeled off to surgery in my bed and then went under general anesthetic. I found it ironic that I avoided a C-section only to end up in surgery. I remember saying to Ryan straight after Elianas birth, a C-section is better than that and that I'm never doing that again 😂. Fortunately, it's true what they say you do forget the pain. Being put to sleep was just what I needed after all the chaos. I remember being annoyed when I was awoken in theater. I felt like I was in a deep peaceful sleep, a kind lady greeted me and told me where I was. I instantly remembered the last few hours and began to sob and say "I want my baby," I told the kind lady about Evangeline and how this was my rainbow baby. She instantly said, we will get you to your baby right now. She sent someone ahead so I didn't have to spend another minute apart from Eliana. Once out of surgery and my pain was contained I felt all the love I expected to feel and felt myself forming a deep bond with my baby.

Despite all the aftermath I didn't feel like it was a traumatic experience and actually feel proud of myself and in awe of what my body is capable of. The parts of my birth that were in my control were exactly as I wanted. Natural, unmedicated, uninterrupted. My best friend Amy made the atmosphere nice with fairy lights, an oil diffuser and my scripture board and worship playing. I also had my midwife there. Her week and a half holiday to Fiji started the next day, so baby girl came just in time to meet her. There was no way to know that my baby was just a bit too big for me to push out without tearing, I was a little over confident thinking my fitness level would help me to avoid any tears or baby getting stuck. I was reassured after to learn that my tear is considered a 3a tear which is less severe in the 3 category. I get physio covered by ACC and they don't expect me to have any long term issues, especially if I keep up with pelvic floor exercises. I did decide a C-section wasn't so bad, and realized I had a pretty straightforward and easy recovery after Evangeline's birth. Also having my baby in my arms means everything and is worth all the pain and recovery.

We experienced a few other challenges in our first few days. At one point they wanted to start Eliana on 36 hours of antibiotics due to one high temperature. My instinct told me she wasn't sick but rather got too hot from cluster feeding as I am a very warm person. I asked that they monitor overnight and if she gets any more high temps then they could take her and give her antibiotics. The pediatrician agreed. Ryan and I prayed and every hourly checkup showed a normal healthy temperature. The next day Eliana and I were both cleared to leave to the birthing center. I was so looking forward to going there so when I was told there was no space, after a rough night in hospital, I burst in to tears, an hour later someone decided to leave the birthing center early and that opened up a space for us.

Leaving the hospital with our baby in her car seat carried by her dad was the most beautiful moment. As we exited the maternity ward I was hit by a wave of grief and gratitude. The memory of the last time we left through those doors on January 4th 2024, hit me as did the reality of how redemptive and healing leaving with our healthy alive baby was. The last time we left through those doors, I was in a wheelchair with Evangeline lifeless body in a little basket on my knee. Instead of taking Evangeline home, I had to hand her over to be taken away in the hearse, which was easily the worst moment of my life. I cried loud tears that day as a kind midwife and my husband followed by my parents held me we all sobbed together. It was so final and the reality of her loss hit us all. It was such a contrast leaving with Eliana. I cried and said to Ryan we get to take our baby home. We didn't have to say goodbye to our baby and this was the redemptive moment we had prayed for and hoped for. The same emotion hit me as we headed home after two relaxing days at the birthing center. Seeing the baby on board sign on my car and then carrying our baby into our home were such incredibly beautiful moments for us and many happy, relieved tears were shed.

The first few weeks of parenthood have been so beautiful and so healing but also we are learning the reality of why we were told to enjoy our sleep while we had it! I'm adjusting from being able to do what I wanted when I wanted to being always needed by the sweetest little human and I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. We know the pain and heartache of a quiet house, of having engorged boobs and no baby to feed and empty arms and a heavy heart so we will never take for granted just how much of a blessing our sweet Eliana is, even when she pulls an all nighter, and has me so tired that I literally start phantom feeding an invisible baby while she's lying in her bed. Or when her dad's sleeping with his arms cradling the air and wakes up thinking he's lost the baby 😂. Ironically one day we will miss all these crazy, sleep deprived moments.

God has brought beauty from the ashes of Evangeline's life not just through the birth of Eliana but also through the lessons learned, the faith that was tested and refined, the empathy we now have for other grieving parent's and the friendships and connections made along the way. Now more than ever we remember Evangeline as I hold her sister and think what could have been. I know she is living her best life with Jesus and every now and then I see her in her sister or even hear a familiar sound as Eliana does a little squeak sound a lot like her sisters. The difference is Eliana also knows how to scream the house down and Evangeline only ever had a sweet little almost voiceless cry.