The Joys and struggles of pregnancy after loss.

My first experience of pregnancy and my journey to motherhood was far from typical, but given it was my first experience, means I had nothing to compare it to until now. I had a taste of "normal" last pregnancy during the first 20 weeks. I had monthly midwife appointments, where I heard baby's heartbeat - which was surprisingly always normal. I experienced first trimester tiredness and puking and had no extra scans or appointments. This only added to the shock and disappointment of receiving a diagnosis at 21 weeks. Suddenly, we found ourselves thrown into a world that no parents-to-be, want to find themselves in. My pregnancy became high risk. We had frequent hospital appointments, received a diagnosis and had to fly back and forward to Wellington for specialist appointments. These appointments involved sitting in a waiting room alongside other high-risk mums, hour long scans, and doctors bracing themselves to deliver more bad news and recommendations. The first recommendation we were offered was to terminate our very wanted, prayed for, and hoped for baby. Evangeline was extremely small and fragile and every day from 20 weeks onwards I wondered if it would be her last.

As a first time mum you are led to believe that as long as you get through the first trimester you can relax. That is why we get told we can tell people we are pregnant after 13 weeks. It is assumed that if you make it to the second trimester you are "safe" but as we found out, that is not always the case. All our naivety and hopeful optimism was shattered. I now forever live in a world where I am deeply aware that babies die. Sometimes, like in Evangeline's case, the reason is clear and laid out. Other times there can be seemingly no reason at all why a loss happens. The battle in my mind this pregnancy has been to also remind myself that more often than not babies live. Every person we meet is proof of that right. I have learnt to hold what I have experienced in the light of what is true. What is true, is that every pregnancy is its own unique story and only God knows the days that are written for each of us. 

In comparison to last time, this girl has been a healthy and typically-developing baby. My pregnancy has been normal and uncomplicated.  I’ve experienced positive scans where the sonographer shares in great detail how my baby is developing. The Sonographer will say things during these scans like, “baby is a great size, she is looking good, her heart is perfect, her heartbeat is great”. As opposed to painfully awkward silence, because for some reason when it’s bad news only the doctors are allowed to speak to those things. The sonographer just takes photos and videos. 

This time around I haven’t needed a scan since my anatomy scan at 22 weeks. Last time I looked forward to, yet also dreaded, each of my many ultrasounds wondering if it would be the last time I would see Evangeline alive and moving. I don't need extra scans because there are no concerns about my placenta failing or about baby not growing. You only have to look at me to confirm she is very much growing! It is so healing but also strange to have such an opposite pregnancy experience. I have purposely avoided going through the hospital for scans and appointments as much as possible, because I made a choice early on to not let my first experience rob me of the current one. I just want as normal of an experience as possible. As you can probably appreciate, the hospital is also an extremely triggering place. It is the place I associate with grief and loss - the place where my daughter lived but also where she died in my arms.

While my experience has been very different. I also have had to be realistic that Evangeline’s pregnancy will always be a part of my story and does mean this experience is still impacted by my last experience.  It changes the way people treat me. Sometimes, it means getting extra reassurance at scans, or longer appointments, or that the hospital does want to see me for the odd appointment to ensure that my next delivery is as safe and risk-free as possible. I know this would be the case for any one who had a previous c-section though. So, it is not unique to baby loss. Obviously, my pregnancy would also be physically harder if I had a toddler to care for, too. It is far from a typical second pregnancy.  

This babies movements are more frequent and strong than Evangeline's ever were. I find myself in awe of how much this little person can move. I am constantly touching my belly to figure out if the thing sticking out is her butt, head or a limb. I sit watching my belly literally looking like it is break dancing as this baby inside flips, kicks and moves across my belly. Partly, this is the perks of having a placenta at the back. Sometimes, I want her to stop kicking me in the ribs, but mostly I am so grateful that I get to feel all her movements, which reassures me daily and builds my confidence and hope that we will get to bring her home soon.

One thing I realized in both my pregnancies is that being pregnant draws a lot of attention especially from other women. It is the time in my life that I get the most comments and questions from strangers, as well as people I know. Some days, I’m happy to chat and answer all the frequently asked questions such as “Is this your first pregnancy? How far along are you? When are you due? How’s your pregnancy going?  Or respond to comments like “You are looking good”, “You are glowing”, “You are getting big”, “you are popping out."

Other days I literally want to avoid new people or keep my responses short because I don’t want to tell my story.  Equally, I cannot bring myself to say “yes this is my first baby/ pregnancy,” even if it would be easier sometimes. It is at the point that on the bad days, the hard days, the extra tired days or just the weeks where I have had to tell my story too many times, that when I see someone staring at my belly, I mentally brace myself and internally sigh. Sometimes, I get heartfelt responses and the opportunity to share Evangeline’s story in a healing and meaningful way. Other times I get dismissive or awkward comments or pity questions with the sideways head like “is everything going well this time?”. Then I feel like I need to reassure people that this pregnancy is different. I know that I will continue to be asked the question "do you have other children" even after this girl is born. I hope with time the days where I am happy to share outweigh the days where I want to avoid people and be an introvert. On Friday alone I had my previous pregnancy come up 3x with the question of "do you have other children?" One person who saw me last pregnancy but doesn't actually know me, caught me off guard by saying "you have another little one at home right?" I definitely felt the sting of that question as I explained that I had another baby who passed away last January after 1 day.

I started writing this blog a few weeks ago at 32 weeks pregnant. I am now finishing it at 34 weeks pregnant. I had Evangeline at 34 weeks 1 day. Being at the same gestation in this pregnancy really highlights the fact that 34 weeks is a long time in pregnancy days, but extremely short for a lifetime. The last few weeks, I have found myself missing and thinking about Evangeline a little extra. The intensity of grief has lightened a lot since being pregnant with another baby, so I was wondering why these feelings have been so close to the surface again. I realized it is because of all the memories associated with the last few weeks of Evangeline's life. At 31 weeks with Evangeline, I was finishing work for the year, at 33 weeks I was meeting with the hospital to decide, if I should deliver her early or not. As I had been told due to placenta blood flow the risk of stillbirth would increase a lot from 35 weeks onwards. I chose to have her early and was blessed to meet her and hold her for 24 hours. 

34 weeks looks different this time around. I am close to finishing work with only 1 week left after the holidays, my class will have a new teacher from week one next Term. I'm ready to nest and fully set up this girl's nursery. It is a strange feeling knowing that as of next week I would have been pregnant for longer than Evangeline's whole life. I already feel like my belly has stretched to capacity so it is crazy to think I may still have another month or more of growing! It also blows my mind when I think that the baby in my belly is already bigger than Evangeline was at birth. Evangeline was born the size of a baby at 28 weeks gestation. I never had a nursery set up for Evangeline and while I learnt everything I could about Trisomy 18, I never learnt anything about how to care for a newborn. I didn't have the usual things to worry about like how to breastfeed or sleep train or even what a baby needs day to day. I feel like a second time, first time mum. In the last few weeks it has hit me that a little human will be completely reliant on me and her dad to meet all her needs and that life as we have known it is about to completely change. That is a beautiful yet terrifying thought, haha. Most first time mums will feel nervous about all the changes. I find whenever I feel anything but grateful and excited about this next season I instantly feel guilty. I am learning to give myself grace that its okay to be scared and worried about how I'll cope with going from being able to do what I want when I want, and having 8 hours sleep a night and two full incomes to well... not having those things. I want to be a mum more than anything, but it is huge and life changing too! 

When I think about holding this baby for the first time and even more so when I think of bringing her home and watching her grow, I often start crying. These tears are tears of gratitude and awe, with a tinge of sadness when I think of all that Evangeline didn't get. I have come to accept if I listen to any songs that speak of Gods redemption or restoration or even coming through hard times that I’ll probably start crying. I blame the hormones!

This pregnancy has been restorative and healing but also a very real reminder of what was. It has forced me to face the hurts, disappointments and trauma of my last pregnancy in order to be present in this pregnancy. I have to daily bring things before God, and at times I’d much rather bury them away and not think about them. As I get closer to birthing this baby, I know that there is still more to unpack and work through, so I can be the best mum and fully present to this little girl during birth and beyond. I’m grateful to have a supportive community and a God who is patient and whose love is unrelenting as he gently reveals and unpacks all the layers that need to be healed.

34 weeks now on the left vs with Evangeline on the right.