From Winter to Spring- Literally and Metaphorically

If you're like me, and don't like Winter then you will know what I mean by that "Spring feeling". That little bit of joy and peace that bubbles up knowing that warmer days and lighter days are coming. This year has felt like one long Winter. For about 6-7 months it felt like I was under a thick grey cloud of grief. Then slowly something shifted and a little bit of joy, warmth and color crept back into my world. After a season of lament, of wrestling with God crying almost daily, crawling through the day especiallly that first month back at work. When I couldn't hide away at home, but instead had to put aside all that I was feeling to be present with the students that I teach. When your drowning in grief, it can feel like it will never get easier. People looking in may not know the inner struggle and the depth of heartache so it feels lonely too. 

I spent the last school holidays listening to podcasts by "Hope Mommies" a Christian group of mums who have all experienced baby loss in one way or another. I felt so seen by them that I felt a shift in my spirit a shift towards acceptance. Not the kind of acceptance where you move on because I will never move on from loving, missing and remembering Evangeline but rather an acceptance that allows me to move forward. To hope again and to look to the future knowing better days are coming. One that allows me to see all the blessings in my life, to feel a closeness with God, truly knowing that he is for me and not against me and that even in my darkest hour he never leaves me nor forsakes me. Like the flowers that slowly blossom bringing the first signs of spring that's how healing has felt for me.

Last month I went for a walk up Papamoa Hills on a beautiful sunny late winter day. I felt such contentment as I took in the fresh air, view of Papamoa and the Mount and felt the sun on my skin. Then to add to my joy in the simple things I saw two baby lambs which let me know that Spring was coming very soon. I realized as I looked at the cute baby lambs that the winter in my soul was beginning to leave too. Spring was coming literally and metaphorically. That does not mean that winters dark cloak doesn't cover me some days still, its just that there is more sunny days in-between. 

Something I've realised this year is that there are so many more milestones than I first realised. When, you lose a baby or anyone for that matter there are obvious milestones that you know are going to be hard. For me that's days like Mothers day or Evangeline's Birthday and heaven day. But something I wasn't prepared for was all the other days that hold extra weight.

First came her due date- February 13th. We joked about maybe having a Valentines day baby. February was the perfect month to have a baby. I'm a teacher so it meant I would get to finish at the end of the school year and then get 8 weeks off and 6 weeks of them paid before our baby arrived. It also meant the students I was teaching didn't have to have a change of teacher during the year. I also liked the idea of having a summer baby who I could take on lots of walks along the beach and up the Mount. February 13th was the date we counted down to. Then came Mothers day- March 12th. I couldn't face the world that day so I sat and went through every keepsake, every memory, every photo and all my journal entries and cried with my husband. That was definitely not how we imagined our first Mothers day being.

Leading into June I felt a cloak of heaviness over me. The 1st of June 2023 was the day I found out I was pregnant after 6 months of trying. When I found out, I cried happy relived tears and went to work bursting with this secret that new life was growing in me. July 29th was another hard day that took me by surprise. It was the day we moved into our house. Before becoming pregnant with Evangeline, we were in a very small cottage with only a convention stove top oven and a lounge big enough for a 1 seater armchair. We moved into our 3 bedroom house with a proper oven and a bath tub in preparation for our growing family. 

September 1st- Fathers day. I thought I was actually pretty okay on this day by then it had been 8 months and less heavy. Then to my surprise the day after Fathers day at our Monday Morning worship Assembly when the song "The Blessing" started playing, which was the song we sang at Evangeline's Memorial service. When it came to the line where it says "May his favor be upon you and a thousand generations on your family and your children and their children..." I ran out of the hall and hid in the toilet crying.

Today the 25th of September is the day we went for our Anatomy scan last year at 19 weeks 6 days, the last scan I'd had before that was our dating scan at 7 weeks. I was eager to find out if we were having a daughter or a son. I was praying that we would be able to find out and was getting impatient when the sonographer was taking so long looking at our baby's heart. It was my first proper scan so I didn't think anything of it, until the end of the scan. We were told there was something wrong with our babies heart and that we would need to go to Wellington for a specialist appointment. I was convinced at best it was a minor heart defect and at worst our baby would have to have heart surgery after birth. I never once considered something like Edwards Syndrome, or that we would lose our baby. We were 20 weeks along, I knew of early losses but didn't think it could all go wrong after 20 weeks. There are still more milestones to come.  The first year is the hardest, I've been told but now I can see the blessings from her life. 

Almost 9 months on since losing Evangeline and 1 year since this crazy ride started, I can honestly say that Evangeline has gifted me many things. Her life and loss has shown me that I can overcome. That in my weakest moments I am strong and resilient. She has shown me what really matters in life and has given me an  eternal perspective that sometimes only comes when faced with death. Her life and loss refined my faith, as I held on to my faith through gritted teeth, unanswered prayers and a season of wrestling with so many questions. It is easy to have faith when everything is going your way but much harder when the thing you want most in life is taken from you. A verse that has stuck with me this last year is 1 Peter 6-7 which says "In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may result in praise glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed ." Her life brought Ryan and I closer as we now know we can get through anything together. We chose to hold onto each other when at times we wanted to hide away and retreat into ourselves. Going through loss has given me greater empathy and I know that just as people who have experienced loss have been there for me. I will also be able to use Evangeline's story to comfort and connect with others who also experience loss, especially baby loss. So while I'd never ask to go through this again and pray and hope next time will be different, I know that God can and is using this and working all things together for our good.