Evangeline's 2nd Heavenly Birthday


Today Evangeline- my first born baby- the tiny little fighter who lived only a day, would have been 2 years old. I found myself wondering last night what she would look like in heaven. In heaven where there is no sickness, where her heart is whole, her body is healed. I wonder would she be a 2 year old in heaven too? Does she look like her little sister? Evangeline had fairer features than Eliana when she was born but similar eyes and nose, she also had a lot of hair for being born at only 34 weeks gestation. I imagine her to have blonde or very light brown hair like me and blue or hazel eyes. 

When we lost Evangeline in January 2024, I used this blog to process the intense heartache of missing Evangeline and also as a way to keep her memory alive. My need to blog as well as time to blog has definitely decreased. I went from blogging monthly to now only once or twice a year. I have decided I will write a blog each year on Evangeline's birthday and capture how grief changes with time.

Grief is a lot quieter these days it's subtle and can sneak up on me in small moments, like watching Eliana master new skills that Evangeline never did. Or when I notice Evangeline's picture on our wall with the clay castings of her tiny little hands. I remember just how little she was at only 1.2kg's. A striking contrast to my now 8 and a half kg baby. I think of her when I am asked if Eliana is my first baby. Eliana definitely has the personality and drive of a first born girl, but I know that Evangeline is and will always be the first born in our family. I remember my counselor explaining that in the beginning grief is all consuming but with time the grief doesn't change size but life grows around it. We never stop missing the ones we love. 

I find myself connecting with others who have lost babies even now as we hold our rainbow babies in our arms. It is a club no one ever wants to find themselves apart of but sadly a reality for many. Some people I know have lost a baby that would have been my age or older and others have lost their baby more recently, yet we always share that empathy, pain and understanding no matter how many years have passed.

One thing that surprises me now is how those once vivid memories of holding Evangeline are now some what fuzzy. I have to dig deeper to remember what I was thinking and feeling as I held her, in room 7 at Tauranga Hospital. I think back to how it felt when I saw her open her eyes and look at me, the moment she seemed to turn towards my voice. The heartbreak when she took her last breath. The loudness of the silence when we arrived home to a house without our baby. I'm so grateful that I have photos and videos to remind me she was really here. 

I wonder how much losing Evangeline has influenced the way I parent Eliana. Am I a little more protective? Or a little less flexible? Are my boundaries stronger? Do I hold her a little closer? Do I expect more from myself because of how desperate my heart was to have a baby to hold, to love and to raise? I think it also makes me a little more grateful a little more patient, because I know no matter how hard the sleepless nights can be, no matter how full on the days get and how little time I have for myself that it is all 100% worth it. I know how blessed I am to get to be mama to the sweetest, busiest little girl. 

When I fell pregnant with Evangeline we experienced all the excitement, joy and anticipation of welcoming our first baby into our home. That was taken away from us when we received her diagnosis and learnt how severe her heart condition was. My pregnancy with Eliana was all that anticipation mixed with cautious hope and a little bit of fear, because once you lose a baby you know nothing is guaranteed. Now Eliana is almost 7 months old and it has been 7 months of healing a broken heart and getting to do all the things I longed to do for and with Evangeline.

Last year on Evangeline's 1st heavenly birthday we weren't sure how we felt about celebrating her birthday. After all birthdays are for celebrating getting a year older. We were in Texas at the time and I got a few keepsake gifts but we decided not to do a cake or a party. However, my 3 best friends, the two Amy's and Mel, got together on Evangeline's birthday with a small cake and two helium balloons. They went down to Waipuna Park in Welcome Bay, which was right by where we lived when Evangeline was born and sat remembering her together. I realised then, that it was exactly what I want to do every year on Evangeline's birthday not just for my sake but also as a way of sharing Evangeline and her memory with her little sister Eliana. Some years may be just a cake other years a small gathering but either way we are starting a tradition of remembering Evangeline and keeping her memory alive. She is precious, valued and loved no matter how short her time on earth was. Today the same 3 friends and their families will come over and we will share cake and food and remember our sweet Evangeline together. 

Another way I want to honor Evangeline is by giving back to the charities that supported us through our baby loss. Last year I raised money for a US based charity- Mama Bear Care (formerly known as Verity's Village) this year I am raising money for a local Charity "Massage after Miscarriage". If you would like to give to this charity, who provide simple gestures of comfort, care, and compassion to women experiencing grief, sadness, and loss following a miscarriage or baby loss of various kinds, this is the link:

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