Say something

Have you ever been in a situation with someone who has gone through a tragedy, received a diagnosis, lost a loved one, wrestled with depression, miscarried or separated in their marriage and not known what to say?  We all have right. I'm the first to admit, in situations where I can't personally relate, I haven't always known what to say, and I have for sure said the wrong things at times too. I'm writing this blog today to tell those who ever have had someone let you in on their pain, their grief, their heartbreak, or share their struggle with you, don't avoid it, say something. The worst thing

you can possibly say is nothing at all. Even if all you say is "I am so sorry you’re going through this, or "there really are no words."  Trust me it is better than awkward silence or changing the subject. Which communicates, unintentionally, a lack of care or that the persons feelings are not valid or are not worthy of being shared

One thing that has surprised me in the last 3 months is how afraid adults are to say the wrong thing. A lot of people I have come across since Evangeline passed do not acknowledge it. The times I have been asked about my baby are usually by people who didn't know she passed. So, it will be questions like "how's life with a baby?" Or "didn't you just have a baby?" these questions are always the hardest to answer, it never gets easier having to say the words "My baby passed away" but even harder than answering the question is the awkwardness that follows. Usually after that, the person will either avoid me next time they see me, or never mention it again. A lot of people who do know stick to safe topics such as work, how's Ryan, good to see you etc. But sometimes I just want someone to look me in the eye and sincerely ask "How are you?" or even just say "I'm so sorry for your loss." Sometimes I want a safe place to talk about my baby and share my story. Although it has already been 3 months my brain is still trying to make sense of it all.

I have close friends who do reach out and ask these questions or let me talk when I need to talk and for that I'm truly grateful. I decided to share this not to make people feel bad, but so that maybe, just maybe it will give more people courage to sit with people in the uncomfortableness of grief, pain and loss. The bible tells us in Romans 12:15 to "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." I think we do rejoice well, but are we willing to weep too? I don't know anyone who hasn't experienced some form of grief or pain in their lives. The world needs more compassion, genuine empathy and a much-needed listening ear. When I feel unseen or unheard I find comfort in knowing that Jesus was well acquainted with grief and sorrow and that He will never leave me or forsake me. The bible tells me “Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows." Isaiah 53:4. My prayer is that through this heartbreak of losing our child, of grieving all the missed milestones and the constant reminders that she isn't here. It will help me to genuinely care, listen and be there for others when others are grieving too. I also hope that by being vulnerable and sharing my story, and my experiences it will help others to be vulnerable too.

So if you do wonder what to say to someone who has lost a baby. I think one of the best responses I have had, was from a 6-year-old. When she saw me, she didn't look the other way, she didn't worry about what to say, instead she ran over to me and said "Mrs Williams, I'm sorry to hear your baby died, I was so sad to hear she died." then the little girl hugged me and simply moved on. I can guarantee she didn't play it over in her head wondering if maybe she shouldn't mention it. She wasn't worried I might cry. I think that is a big reason we say nothing, we are afraid to make someone cry. Believe me when the tears need to come, they will, but crying is a part of healing. Ryan's 94 year old Grandma lost her husband on

boxing day and in her wisdom she said when you need to cry, cry it is sometimes the best thing to do. If I cry it's because I feel seen, I feel heard and because it is just sad and heartbreaking. I wish the world was more okay with people crying when we need to cry and talking about our loved ones who passed on.  

I know there was a time when it was taboo to speak of baby loss. Fortunately that has changed a lot, but I think we still have a way to go where we acknowledge the loss of a baby without getting awkward. The moment parents see two pink lines on a pregnancy test, that baby is loved, that baby is a life, and their existence deserves to be mentioned. I have spoken to other mums who have lost babies too, and they too have wished more people gave

them room to talk about their babies, they have experienced people avoiding them, and some have even lost friendships because people don’t know what to say. I can’t speak for everyone, but I do know I’m not the only one who wishes more adults were as brave as that 6 year old child. It is no wonder the bible tells us to become like little children. You and I won't always say the right thing but please do say something.