Life after loss

 

It has been 8 weeks since the day we said goodbye to our precious baby girl. The day she passed seems like a distant memory already, but maybe that is because it is too painful to fully remember the heart wrenching moment where we placed Evangeline's tiny little body in the funeral directors car knowing it was our final moment with her. Watching that car drive away broke our hearts like nothing else could. A week later we picked up her cremated body in a tiny pink teddy bear urn. As I held that urn I felt two things; disbelief and sorrow. I wanted to sob my heart out but at the same time I almost couldn't believe that the teddy bear held the ashes of our baby girl. Over that first month we had many reminders from receiving her birth certificate and then her death certificate. Receiving cards, and gifts from friends and charities. Having her photos arrive in the mail. Each of these things reminded us this wasn't some bad dream but this is reality. I felt strangely numb the first 4 weeks, then the day of her memorial service all the emotions hit me and all I wanted to do was hide away. Yet I knew the memorial was needed and important her memorial let me know she had lived, she mattered and that she was loved not just by Ryan and I but by our friends and family too.  

That first month we had so much love poured out through meals, visits and check ins. Over time naturally the check ins and visits get less. We had to find our new normal. I've heard it said the hardest part of grief is that life goes on. Your world crumbles around you but then time keeps ticking, days keep going by and life has to be lived but it changes you. Grief is not always visible, we have no idea what people we come across in our day to day lives are going through. That is why it is so important to be kind especially to those who seem angry, or distant. In these early stages, I carry grief everywhere I go, sometimes it is in the background of my mind other times at the forefront. When I see mums with babies, I imagine how different life could have been, a song, a statement can sting. I literally feel like a piece of me is missing because that is the thing about our children they are literally a piece of us, her home for 8 months was inside my womb. 

It's a strange and lonely thing being a mum without her baby. My body stretched, grew and changed, I produced breast milk, suppressing that breast milk was one of the most physical and emotionally painful things I have experienced. I was prepared for the pain of recovering from a C-section but the pain of engorged boobs without a baby to feed was an unexpected pain. I cried in frustration because of the cruel reminder that I was a mum without a baby.  I don't yet fit comfortably into my old clothes but maternity clothes don't fit right either. I'm currently on maternity leave which is also strange. I have all the time in the world to do whatever I choose. The life I planned was meant to be taking care of a baby, sleepless nights, newborn cuddles, breastfeeding and nappy changes. Instead I go to the beach, walk the mount, go to Bootcamp, catch up with friends, read a book, drink coffee, journal, binge watch a show, or just sit and cry as I go through the memories I have from 34 weeks of pregnancy and one day with our baby. I love the beach, I love exercising, I love hangs with friends, but even while doing the things I love their is a lingering loneliness and a sadness that is only momentarily eased through these things. Sometimes I think I should be working already, because we live in a society where we are expected just to "get on with life." I think we need to normalize taking time out when we go through grief or are stressed out and not coping with life, we need to prioritize healing. 

When I first went out and about I feared peoples pity, or questions, surprisingly most people don't say anything, they avoid the topic. Now I fear Evangeline being forgotten. My counselor challenged this and helped me to realize, Evangeline won't ever be forgotten, even when years go by and weeks pass without her name being mentioned. Somedays I really want to talk about her and remember her. As someone who is quite intuitive by nature I don't want to make others uncomfortable so I talk about other things, happier things, simpler things. Can I just say if you know someone who has been through a loss, don't be afraid to ask how they are and to talk about their lost loved one. Talking about them is healing and on those days where it is just too painful to talk about our loved ones we will let you know. 

I realize I care way too much about what people think, I worry about posting too much about Evangeline because people may think I am "attention seeking" or I may make some people uncomfortable, or maybe it is just to sad and no one wants to hear her story. I worry sometimes about being open on days when I'm not okay because so many people have told me how "brave and how strong I am" but somedays I feel heavy, mad, broken, and far from strong and brave. My love language is words of affirmation so I still appreciate all the kind words spoken to me even though somedays I don't feel those words are accurate. Most new mums post about their babies very regularly. Trust me, when you lose a baby you see all the daily post, monthly milestones, newborn photoshoots and the list goes on which is normal and beautiful. But why should it be any different when a baby passes? My counselor spoke of how when we lose a baby we can still do mum things it just looks different but doing mum things is healing. Like making a photo book, putting her name on things, getting jewelry keepsakes and sharing her story. 

I realise there are so many misbeliefs I've subconsciously held like the idea of being "blessed." When things go well in our lives we talk about how blessed we are, I had to wrestle with this because am I still "blessed" now after losing my first born baby? As I was thinking about this the scripture came to mind from Matthew 5,"Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted."  I looked up this passage of scripture and there is one verse that is even harder to associate with our modern idea of being #blessed "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you, because of me, rejoice and be glad because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." So do we really want to be blessed? I get to experience the comfort of the Holy spirit in my mourning therefore I am blessed. Right now in the heaviness of grief I lean into the eternal promise of a place so beautiful, without pain and suffering where we spend eternity with Jesus. I remind myself this life is temporary and I have to live it to the full and not just sit around feeling sorry for myself. Still somedays it's okay to question, cry and grieve this is all healthy and necessary but I can and will look to the future with hope knowing that nothing is wasted, and one day, hopefully when I am well into my 90's, I will be reunited in heaven with my baby girl.