Evangelines Memorial service speech

Evangeline’s Memorial was on Saturday the 3^rd of February, 1 month after she was born. We had a small private ceremony to honor her short but impactful life. What follows is the speech I shared with friends and family.

It hit me as I sat down to write about our beautiful daughter Evangeline that this isn’t the usual funeral speech, or even one I ever thought I’d have to write. I don’t have years of memories to choose from. We don’t know what kind of person she would have been, what her personality would have been like, what she would have liked and disliked. I can’t stand here and talk about her quirks or tell funny stories about the things she did. To be honest the lack of memories is one of the saddest parts of all.

When I saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test, I began to imagine our future as parents, the sleepless nights, the new learning, our lives forever changed. I imagined what our baby would be like, and wondered if our first baby would be a girl or a boy. I never for a moment imagined she would only live a day.

While I don’t have years of memories to share, I can share about the profound impact her short but significant life had on mine. Evangeline will forever be our first-born daughter. She made me a mum and Ryan a dad. She taught me to be more selfless as my mama heart fought to meet her and chose to celebrate her and carry her not knowing the exact outcome, or if we would even meet her alive. Because of Evangeline I have made new friendships, sadly with others who have walked this path also. It has deepened Ryan and I’s marriage, as we walk through this together, supporting and loving each other and feeling the weight of our loss together. I fell even more in love with Ryan when Evangeline was born as I saw the love that he had for our daughter and the tender way he held her and protected her during the day that she was with us. 

Evangeline helped me to be braver, I had to face my fear of needles several times over and let go of my ideal birth plan. She has strengthened my relationship with God as I have had to wrestle with my faith, my unanswered questions and my preconceived ideas about how life is “meant” to be. I have realized my immense need for God and have felt peace that surpasses understanding. Because of God we have walked through the hardest season of our lives and not been destroyed. I do not understand why she didn’t get to come home with us, and I probably never will, but I know we are forever changed because she existed. Her life was a gift. About a week before she was born, I felt that I needed to thank God for giving me Evangeline. I remember sobbing as I thanked God for Evangeline, and I journaled all the reasons I was grateful. 

Now I get to choose to either be bitter about all the days we didn’t have with her or grateful for the day we did get with her. I want to choose to be grateful while still allowing myself to grieve all the days we don’t have and all the milestones we will never get to celebrate. She was loved and valued her life was short but impactful.

During my pregnancy I was given a journal from a Trisomy 18 charity in the US- "From Diagnosis to Delivery," in this journal was a section to write letters to my baby. To finish I want to read some of what I wrote.

Dear Evangeline, I know that you are a fighter, and you will fight to meet us. We so want to meet you, to kiss your cute little button nose, and to hold you, our girl. Whether you live on this earth or in heaven for eternity one thing is certain, you are loved. You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God! When the time comes for you to say goodbye, I want you to know that you get to be with Jesus, the kindest person in the whole world. He loves you more than anyone. I think you already know him. He holds you and protects you in my womb. He is closer to you than your dad and I could ever be. Heaven is the most beautiful home, there is no sickness or pain there and you will never know suffering. We will love you forever. You are Evangeline- a messenger of good news. Your life will help to tell God’s story. Thankyou daughter for all that you have gifted to our lives. Thank you for making me a Mum.