Grief is the greatest teacher... 9 Things this pregnancy has taught me.

I feel like the last few months has opened my eyes to a whole new world that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It’s made me reflect on how I respond to people in the middle of their grief or disappointment. Below are some of the things I’ve learnt:

1. People tend to show love and show they care in the way they would want to be shown love. Those who would want others to check in on them check in on us, those who like privacy pull away, some people give gifts, others practically help. I have realised that the way I grieve can be so different to the way others grieve (I’ll save that for my next point) which means the most helpful thing is asking “how can I pray for you” and “what do you need” in saying that sometimes we have no idea what we need, so I also appreciate the people who just decide to bring a meal, surprise me with flowers, come to visit or send a message checking in.

2. 2. We all process and grieve differently. Ryan and I could not be more opposite in the way we process and grieve. I literally need to talk about it again and again, each time I do I feel a weight lift off me. Whereas if Ryan talks about it too much that would put him into a very dark headspace. Because of this I make sure to talk to other people not just Ryan. Ryan needs to internalise, I need to externalise. He also needs to be distracted and busy so he can have mental breaks. One day Ryan questioned whether me talking about it so much was actually helpful, when it doesn't change anything? We were walking up Papamoa hills at the time and I was having a bad day, thinking about my age, how much I want to be a mum, how unfair it is, how long it will be before we can try for another kid. It left me feeling like I couldn’t talk about all these thoughts in my head. It ended up coming out in the form of tears and frustration. My kind and patient husband, then sat and listened as I poured out all my concerns and he literally saw me go from sobbing to being able to move on with my day, joke around and feel lighter, just by getting out what was in my head. That is when I learnt that if my husband had talked as I had he would feel heavy for the rest of the day. The same process brings about a different outcome for both of us. I also love when people check in and show they care, Ryan hates feeling pitied (although he still appreciates when people check in as long as it’s not daily haha). This tells me what I need isn’t what every grieving person needs.

3. 3.Grief makes some people uncomfortable. People either pull close and support you or pull away and avoid you. Some people are so afraid to say the wrong thing that they say nothing at all. But the most helpful thing is to acknowledge it. Simply saying “I’m sorry for what you’re going through,” or even acknowledging “I don’t know what to say.” Is much better than pretending everything’s fine. Those who sit with you in the uncomfortableness of grief and loss end up becoming so much closer to you in these times. I’m grateful that I have several people in my life who have pulled closer and who can handle all the raw emotions. I realise though no one can fully understand something unless they have been through it themselves. That is why I am so grateful for the group “From Diagnosis to Delivery” which is full of people who have walked or are currently walking through their babies receiving life-limiting diagnosis during pregnancy. I also made a friend here in Tauranga who received a similar diagnosis. We both message daily because we understand each other and both need lots of processing time.

4. 4. Grief is not a step-by-step thing. All the emotions associated with grief denial, anger, depression, acceptance etc overlap. Every week, day and even hour can be different. Some days I feel so totally fine, I’m happy, chatty full of joy and other days I’m crying so hard I can barely breath, fortunately this usually hits in private. Other days I’m just angry. Some days I’m in denial and want to pretend that this is just like any other pregnancy without a diagnosis. Other days I feel like I’m in a place of accepting reality. Emotions hit in waves and the things that may trigger you take you by surprise. Mostly at work I was fine because I was busy and distracted and the kids in my class had no idea so it’s easy to just get on with life. However, one day during our staff devotions a teacher shared on loss and grief followed by the song “Great is your faithfulness” I was hit so hard by grief that I literally ran out of the room in front of all my colleagues and hid in the toilet sobbing. Fortunately, it was a teacher only day, so I got to go home and just sit in my sadness until it passed.

5. Acceptance is heathy and necessary for moving forward. I personally think there is a time to hold out and contend for a miracle, but there is also a place for accepting, and allowing ourselves to grieve and to process and to plan for different outcomes. In the last few months, we have had to accept that our baby won’t be getting any surgeries, that she will only be kept comfortable until she passes. Therefore, she can’t live a long life because she won’t be able to even feed when she’s born, and her heart is not fully developed. When your faced with these realities over and over, there comes a point of surrendering the fight. I felt one day just to give it to God because I can’t carry it, I can’t control it and I can’t change it. Accepting it is much easier then completely denying the possibility of loss and then being completely blindsided and broken when loss does happen. Acceptance also doesn’t equal a lack of faith. It also doesn’t mean a miracle still can’t take place even now. We hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

6. 6. That brings me to my next point why is it that if we are a Christian who believes in heaven and Eternity that we are so afraid and unaccepting of death? ( Disclaimer I know this is not everyone). There have been people within church circles who won’t even listen to the possibility of our baby passing they say things like “We don’t accept that” “We believe for full healing” etc or tell me stories of all the times the doctors got it wrong. It is hard for us to believe that this is “wrong” after a diagnostic test that is 99% accurate as well as seeing Evangeline’s unchanging condition on every weekly scan. Some people who know our story will talk to me and ask questions as if this pregnancy is like any other. Of course, God can heal Evangeline, but the reality is people die every day. The God of the bible who raised people from the dead, healed the sick and did all the miracles was still God when his disciples each died horrific deaths. They were then welcomed into eternity with no more pain or suffering. Some stories end with a miracle, others end with a loss but either way the persons suffering ends so there is beauty in both. If my baby passes, she gets to live her best life in heaven, she will never know suffering but if by some miracle her heart is healed, and her esophagus is attached to her stomach then we get the benefit of loving her and raising her.

7. 7. As humans we make assumptions every day. You never know what someone is walking through. It is so natural to see a pregnant lady and ask all the questions about their pregnancy, because we assume if she is obviously pregnant that it’s safe to ask questions because everything must be fine. Whenever I go anywhere now strangers or acquaintances will comment on my pregnancy. I get asked “is this your first baby?” followed by “oh how exciting, your first is always so special. Then “When are you due? Or how far along are you?” “Are you having a girl or a boy?” And “How’s your pregnancy going?” The hardest comments are the ones regarding parenting which is the reminder that our baby probably won’t even leave the hospital. The “enjoy your sleeps while you can”, “enjoy your freedom while you have it”, and always “parenting is the best thing you’ll ever do”. It’s so hard for me to not just blurt out my story at that point. I wish my only concern was losing sleep and my life changing, I’d give anything for that. I know these people are just excited, they are reliving their moments of starting a family but it so hard to smile and answer these questions pretending it’s all normal. Yesterday was particularly bad with a visit to the dentist, a café and a baby store to get Evangeline a blanket for the hospital. So much so that I’ve decided I’m just going to stay home in my PJ’s all day today.

8. 8. God is with us in our suffering. When Lazarus died, Jesus wept, he knew he was about to perform a miracle, but he was full of compassion for the suffering of Mary and Martha. In the hardest moments I get such a sense of Jesus compassion I know he understands the depth of heartbreak and disappointment. Some days I’m so mad at God, I have thoughts like “it doesn’t feel like you are for us, it doesn’t feel like you’re faithful” “What’s the point in praying when it isn’t changing anything” Or just simply I feel the need to ask “Why” when so many healthy babies go home with their families every day why is this our story? I don’t have the answers for why, but I know God is not at all put off by my questions, that wrestling with God is okay he can handle every emotion and is with us in our suffering. Sometimes praying, reading my bible or attending church is just too hard, to triggering and I know Gods grace covers all that too. It’s okay to not have it all together all the time and to question things. Other times I find myself declaring Gods goodness and thanking him for all the blessings I do have. Like an amazing husband who walks through this with me, holds me as I cry and who shows so much love and kindness daily. He also helps so much practically and cooks 90% of the time so I can nap because pregnancy is exhausting at the best of times! Or friends and family who genuinely care. But God can handle both my praise and my anger. If you are in a place where you are wrestling with God, I recommend the song "Kind" By Cory Asbury, it captures the questioning but also acknowledges that God is still kind.

9. 9. Even during all this, there is Joy, and there is hope. I’ve made so many new friends through an online community. I’ve connected with others even in NZ who have walked/ are walking a similar journey. Those who have walked this before me are supporting me, just as we will be able to support those who walk this or similar journeys after us. One mum challenged me to make the most of my pregnancy journey and not let the diagnosis rob the experience. We have been doing that by continuing to go out to restaurants, weekends away, beach hangs, walks and most recently with a beautiful Maternity shoot that my friends gifted me for my birthday. Ryan was concerned it would be kind of depressing doing a photoshoot, but it ended up being such a beautiful, and happy time where our love for each other and our baby was beautifully captured.